Jennifer Soldner INFJ
This site is no longer active. Please find me at

5 Signs You Are in a Relationship with an INFJ

The INFJ Myers-Briggs Personality Type is a fairly rare group of people who tend to hide amongst the crowds. They can often be overlooked by those who are unfamiliar with what signs to look for. Even when someone is in a relationship with an INFJ, they may be none the wiser, consistently trying to determine the personality of their significant other.

While all INFJs are different, there are some similarities which may make it easier for you to determine whether or not your loved one is one of these rare and special intuitives.

1. They constantly seek to improve your relationship. Whether through reading blogs and self-help books or searching out groups and seminars, the INFJ strives to reach an impossible standard for their relationships. This is not an indication that they are unhappy with the relationship, but rather that they cherish it so much they wish to put enormous amounts of effort into making it the best it can be.

2. They respond to your emotions. INFJs may be great listeners, but no matter what you say to them, they are more apt to respond to your emotions than to your words. If you are going on about a problem in your life, your INFJ partner may not seem interested in offering a solution but will jump right into helping you process how you feel about the situation. What starts as a brainstorming event to you may quickly turn into what seems like a therapy session.

3. They talk about the distant future. Try not to get too scared off if your partner jumps right to the long term scenarios of life. If they are an INFJ, simple discussions about whether or not to buy a shirt may turn into pondering about five years from now at cousin Suzie's wedding. INFJs are future-oriented thinkers whose brains are constantly scanning through various outcomes. Anything about the past may not be pertinent to them because the future is chock full of possibilities. Don't worry about them getting too vocal about picking out curtains in a couple of years because also floating around in their heads are the possibilities of what to do if you die in a fiery train wreck or how to pick up someone new in case it doesn't work out. This does not mean they aren't serious about the relationship; their brains are just incredibly capable of carrying on many scenarios at once.

4. The negativity of the world overwhelms them. If sharing the local news over the dinner table has your significant other seem distant for the rest of the evening, they may be an INFJ. Just hearing news of a lost kitten can be hard for them to hear and they need a little processing time. If you happen to mention something more intense, like a school shooting, expect to give them a little more space for dealing with the intensity. And as for that horror film? Go ahead and see it, but keep the details to yourself.

5. They shut down. Sometimes for no apparent reason at all, if your partner seems to close themselves off to you indefinitely, it is possible they are an INFJ. Try not to take it personally and definitely don't push too hard to get them to open up as the harder you push, the further away they'll drift. Sometimes general life can become too overwhelming for an INFJ, whether it's the negativity mentioned above, the millions of scenarios they run through their mind or just the everyday menial tasks of life, and they need to mentally escape from it all. Try to be patient and respect their need for space.

If most of these signs sound familiar to you, then it is very probable that you are in a relationship with an INFJ. Take heart knowing that their behavior, though bizarre and eccentric to you, is actually very normal and purposeful. Be excited that you have found such a rare specimen and try to learning as much as you can about how they tick. If you still aren't sure, encourage them to take a Myers-Briggs Personality Test. It may help them immensely as well.

For more on INFJ relationships, check out


  1. Interesting, I don't think I've ever dated an INFJ girl, probably because I am rather introverted ENTP myself, which means I often end up with extroverted women.

    Btw, have you tried the dating site, it seems like most women there are INFJ for some reason. I've written a review here.

    At the moment the site doesn't have many users, which is a bit of a shame as it is a really cool idea for a dating site and would be very interesting to see how many couples would meet on such a site compared to regular dating sites.

  2. Honestly, I was jumbling around being an INTJ and an ISFJ and many other combinations in quizzes I've taken. I can morph between a few personalities it seems, but I am definitely am INFJ girl. I can have many sides to my personality, and I have an INFJ/INTJ fiance, we are about only only ones who understand one another. When I was younger I might have wanted to be different than I am. It's hard, but now I wouldn't change a thing.

  3. Holy heck! These are so spot on about me, it's scary!

  4. This is so accurate!
    I was talking about something simple and five minutes later I got myself into one of those existentialist monologues.

  5. Tão bonitinho saber que alguém nos entende! >.<

  6. I'm an INFJ woman who has just ended an engagement with another possible INFJ (I doubt he even knows about Jung and Myers-Briggs) but very (untreated) BPD and therefore verbally/emotionally abusive man. I'm doubtful that I'll ever find anything that was as emotionally and spiritually full-filling as what I had with him when things were good. I don't really want to continue forward with life anymore because what you've said in previous blogs about only needing one person is true. What do you do when you end up losing that person? The world is shitty enough as it is and now I really don't have anything that brings me joy. Do any other INFJ's turn on the news and within five seconds think, "Well, that's just one more reason to not continue living?"

    1. Anonymous,
      I have just been through the same scenario. My guy thought he was BP, but was also an alcoholic, passive-agressive narcissist and had characteristics of complex PTS. None of this was apparent in the beginning as he had just gotten out of rehab (it was a beautiful relationship in the beginning) I never knew the issues until he fell off the wagon. He became verbally abusive when he drank. I being an INFJ, tried to help him find his way back, to no avail. This is the 4th relationship in a row like this. To top it off, I lost my job as a nurse aide due to an injury and have been unemployed. My job gave me purpose and was more fulfilling than any relationship I've ever had. I am now looking for work in office administration which I do not like but did it for 20 years. I have had many days lately that I have felt that I was just tired of living. I needed to find a new purpose. I am lost without purpose. I started going to church (I don't believe in organized religion but am very spiritual). I learned this church had a group that volunteered at nursing homes and a prayer group that prays for those in need (they train you). I can't wait for Sundays now. I also joined an over 40 singles group and they have something going on every night, in case I need human interaction. As for men, I decided to get a dog. And just maybe, that Unicorn will enter my life while I'm busy living it. Love yourself, find your purpose, you are special and when you least expect it, someone worthy of your affections, will notice how special you are too. :)

    2. I know exactly how you feel. From the verbally & emotionally abusive BF to feeling like there's nothing left to live for once the one person you choose to connect with turns out to be so hurtful or the relationship ends. And the news?! Ughhhhhhhh.... I'm so sorry you feel this... But you are not alone.

  7. To reply to Anyonymous, yes, I am an INFJ and the world's negativity often gets me thinking that.

  8. I don't think these are that spot on. They seem too vague and I think they could cover a variety of different types as I know a few different types that act like this in a relationship. Or like this in general. I am a solid INFJ. But these traits are not exclusive to INFJs.

  9. Exactly.

    I am just thankful that finding out about my INFJ personality I have identified my being - and not brain counter-checking on self-inflicted pain questions to self on the what was, what is, what could be, and the "pondering about five years from now at cousin Suzie's wedding" and why I question myself so much anyhow in the first place - so now I embrace INFJ normal.

    And this is proof of the poof: Don't worry about them getting too vocal about picking out curtains in a couple of years because also floating around in their heads are the possibilities of what to do if you die in a fiery train wreck or how to pick up someone new in case it doesn't work out.

  10. As an INFJ I agree that all of these traits fit my personality even though some of them come across quite negatively. However, I don't think it's wise to guess or assume what someone else's MBTI is. Ask them if they know their MBTI and if they don't suggest the benefits of learning it. Making assumptions about INFJ can be a touchy subject because some people think we're eccentric psychics. Just part of being a misunderstood INFJ.


I love hearing from you! While differing opinions are more than welcome, please keep comments appropriate and friendly. Any comment that directly attacks myself or another will be removed. Thank you!