INFJ personality types are enigmas. Few people understand what loving an INFJ entails, but those who are willing to try are well aware of the benefits of such a deep, meaningful and committed relationship.
Those few who are in relationships with this rare Myers-Briggs personality type often seek advice and answers to help them understand their partner more clearly.
Whether you are an INFJ trying to better understand yourself or are seeking to grow closer to one, the following information, resources and pointers will hopefully help you feel a little more fulfilled in your relationship.
INFJ Overview
Understanding Their Functions
The first step to any fulfilling relationship with an INFJ is to understand as much as you can about the personality type. Even though there is a lot to grasp about the INFJ mind, it is helpful to start with a quick overview of what makes them tick. The best way to do this is to look at their main cognitive functions:INFJ stands for Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeling and Judicial. Those four letters carry with them a certain set of cognitive functions. Every personality type has a set of eight functions, but what makes each one different is the order of those functions. Here, let us just look at the first (and most important) two functions.
An INFJ's primary function is introverted iNtuition (Ni) and their secondary is extroverted Feeling (Fe).
introverted iNtuition (Ni)
The Ni function is the biggest part of what makes INFJs so unique. It essentially means that they have an amazing ability to think more abstractly, globally, thoroughly and complexly. This allows the INFJ to easily see and understand things in the past, present and future that others may struggle to comprehend. While they may not always be able to explain their knowledge, their intuition is usually accurate and, in some cases, psychic. This function leads to a continuously busy mind as "Ni's constantly shift their perspectives, and view and understand things from different angles and in different ways." (FamousType.com)
extroverted Feeling (Fe)
The Fe function is what makes INFJs eager to please. While their sense of self is wrapped up in their intuition, their sense of others runs mainly on a desire to connect with them through feelings. Extroverted Feelers act in ways that make others very comfortable and pleased, mainly through warmth, graces and good manners. They often can feel responsible for the feelings of those around them in most social situations.
These combined functions lead the INFJ to be very people-oriented on a global level, causing them to take on quite a bit of personal responsibility for those around them. Because of their intuition and compassion, INFJs live for helping others and are never satisfied unless everyone around them is content (a very rare occurrence).
Relationship Strengths
Because most INFJs are very deep feelers who live for others, their strengths in relationships are many, including though not limited to:
- Seeks lifelong relationships
- Loyal and trustworthy
- Warm, compassionate and selfless
- Always desiring to improve and perfect the relationship
- Excellent conflict resolvers (though they strongly dislike unnecessary or petty conflicts)
- Very adaptable and willing to compromise (keeping in line with their strong values)
- Great listeners and always a shoulder to cry on
- Extremely supportive and encouraging
Check out my INFJ board on Pinterest!
Relationship Weaknesses
Like all personality types, INFJs also have weaknesses that they bring to a relationship. Some of the most common ones are:
- Very slow to open themselves up and often never completely expose themselves
- Dislike conflict and may be passive
- Sometimes overly emotional and sensitive
- May have unrealistic expectations of the relationship
- Can be stubborn
- Oftentimes are dreamers which may affect their ability to handle day to day technical needs
Physical Intimacy
INFJs have a strong desire to please the ones they love in every aspect of the relationship, including spiritually, emotionally and physically.However an INFJ's least developed cognitive function is extroverted Sensing (Se) which means they can tend to feel very disconnected from the literal world around them. Because of this, "some INFJs feel themselves so foreign to the world that action seems hopelessly strange and unnatural." (Personlity Junkie, INFJ Careers, Jobs, Majors) While they have a deep longing to connect with their partners on a spiritual sense, some INFJs may struggle with showing this physically.
This is not to say that INFJs dislike or disconnect completely from physical intimacy, but rather it may be their least effective way of showing their feelings. When an INFJ does interact physically, it is always with great emotional depth.
As the INFJ Personality Page states:
"Sexually, INFJs view intimacy as a nearly spiritual experience. They embrace the opportunity to bond heart and soul with their mates. As service-oriented individuals, it's very important to them that their mates are happy. Intimacy is an opportunity for the INFJ to selflessly give their love, and experience it in a tangible way."
Casual encounters are near impossible for an INFJ. Most find them a pointless use of energy. If, however, an INFJ does engage in a seemingly emotionless fling, they will usually either attach manifested emotions to the other person or they will use the sex as a method of self-loathing.
Simply put, sexual or physical experiences to an INFJ are something that they do with great purpose of showing love for another. If you are in a committed relationship with an INFJ, recognize that everything from a brief kiss to passionate love-making is perceived as an intensely spiritual experience of expressing feelings and should never be taken lightly.
Best Matches
Most Compatible Personality Types for an INFJ
Keep in mind that every person is unique despite personality typing, so any MBTI pairing has the potential to work if both involved are willing and dedicated to growth.
With that being said, as a general rule, INFJs do have certain personalities that appear to be the best fit. These are:
- ENFP (Extrovert, iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving)
- ENTP (Extrovert, iNtuitive, Thinking, Perceiving)
- INTJ (Introverted, iNtuitive, Thinking, Judicial)
- INFJ (Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judicial)
The ENFP and ENTP are thought to be ideal mates because their primary function (iNtuition) is the same as an INFJ though directed differently (extroverted). Their strong Ne function allows them to connect well with an INFJ while still acting as a compliment to their personality type. "Our natural attraction to people who share our dominant function, but who use it in a different direction works very well for us. " (Personality Page - Natural Partners)
On the other hand, the INTJ and INFJ are thought by many to be good matches because of the depth of their initial connection. As both personality types can rely very heavily on their strong iNtuition, INTJs and INFJs can understand one another and themselves on a level they may struggle to reach with other personality types.
Also Check Out:
Worst Matches
Least Compatible Personality Types for an INFJ
Least Compatible Personality Types for an INFJ
Just as the INFJ tends to connect better with certain personality types, it is expected that they would also naturally shy away from others. Bear in mind that while these personality types are considered poor matches for an INFJ in the technical sense, it is still possible for two well-rounded adults of any type to connect.- ESFP (Extrovert, Sensing, Feeling, Perceiving)
- ESTP (Extrovert, Sensing, Thinking, Perceiving)
- ESTJ (Extrovert, Sensing, Thinking, Judicial)
- ENTJ (Extrovert, iNtuitive, Thinking, Judicial)
The dominant function of an ESFP and an ESTP is extroverted Sensing (Se) which is the inferior function of an INFJ. Because of this, it is thought that when paired, the two personality types would exhaust one another by continuously requiring the other to exercise their inferior way of thinking.
Along similar lines, the ESTJ and ENTJ both exhibit the Shadow Processes of an INFJ as their top four Primary Processes. Most personality types exhibit their Shadow Processes in a negative sense when used on a day to day basis meaning that, when paired with someone who operates primarily in these functions, it would bring out constant negative emotions and behaviors in the INFJ.
Quick Relationship Tips
If you are interested in pursuing a relationship with an INFJ or improving one you are all ready in, here are a few go-to tips that may help you make or break your relationship:
Truth trumps all.
Because of their strong intuition, INFJs will always know when you are not being truthful. Even the tiniest white lie will send up red flags that may cause ripples in the relationship.
Be patient.
An INFJ will love it if you open your inner world to them right away, but do not expect the same. Some INFJs may never fully open up, but even if they do, it can take years. Try not to take it personally. If you want to help them open up faster, be as open-minded and accepting as possible.
Stay positive.
INFJs run off of the energy of those around them. If you want to get the best of your INFJ partner, you need to be your best. Try to stay overall optimistic and strong, cutting down on pessimism, worry or anxiety. "Your energy will easily affect them. If you seem unstable, etc., it will seep into them and poison them." (Modalties of Existence, How to Date an INFJ) But remember, your feeling must be genuine. INFJs will pick up on false emotion.
Be sensitive.
INFJs are very sensitive to criticism or harsh words. Even if you are just joking around, an INFJ can take your words literally and be silently hurt. Watch what you say and only say what you mean. If you mess up, explain yourself immediately.
What tips would add? Share in the comments!
My darling is INFJ, I'm and healthy INFP. Being able to understand and deeply appreciate who she really is behind that strong self-protective shell and hear the words never spoken I must say that I can't be more happy man. She claims the same for me. I would die for her. She is the type of a woman I've always dreamed of.
ReplyDeleteOur relationship can't be described with words. It just works magically in any field - love, parenting, business, personal growth.. We are tremendous support to each other.
The most interesting thing is that it just naturally worked from the first day we've met and it get's deeper day by day. Any healthy male INFP should definitely look for INFJ female. Just be patient and DO NOT criticize her by any means. Ask, suggest, surprise, be honest, dedicated and share that deep inner world within you and you will be amazed how beautiful life can be.
We feel sad we have only this life to share. I think if we could have a chance to spend 3 more lives together even that wouldn't be enough. That's how good it is to be with an INFJ if you are like me, male INFP.
Great article Jennifer. Thanks for the tips. From my personal experience, I may confirm it is all true.
As an INFJ, struggling to find a true love, it's encouraging to hear you guys found soul mates... :)
DeleteWow!! It's interesting to read this :) I'm an INFJ! Thanks for sharing...
Delete@Nenad <3 that was beautiful. I am a female INFP and my best friend in the world is a male INFJ. We aspire to get married someday and your description felt like a foreshadowing of what I have to look forward to. I'm always a little surprised that INFPs and INFJs are not listed as compatible types in most articles. I've found it to be the deepest relationship I've ever known. We see right through each other: every flaw, every sparkle of beauty, every quirk and the love only grows. It seems to me that INFJ's have high yet simple expectations when it comes to life and love with extremely complicated worlds that form around those expectations/dreams/hopes. You are bizarre and wonderful creatures. I've had the pleasure of knowing 2 INFJ males. One a dear friend, the other my soul mate.
DeleteI am a female INFJ married to a INFP.. he is the perfect match for me.. I adore him and he me. We thoroughly enjoy one another and live very well together( we just had our 13 wedding anniversary) it is like we are a perfect fitting glove and hand. I waited a long time to find him, and like you shared, i have also found it to be the deepest relationship i have ever known. I respect everything about him and he moves my heart like no other...intelligent, caring integritous to a fault and deeply spiritual...from my experience, IFFJ and INFP are a perfect match up!
DeleteAll these INFP and INTJ posts make me hope like crazy. I met an INFP guy five years ago and though we aren't close friends (my INFJ coming through) we always seem to spark And we agree on almost everything from spiritually to raising a family. I honestly can't imagine anyone better to live with, but he seems scared of me when I haven't given him a reason yet. It might never work out, but this is the one personality type I would love to marry one day. The relationship is truly indefinable, which is a good thing ;P
DeleteI'm an INJF and some of my most cherished friendships are with INFPs!
DeleteI'm surprised that I almost never see INFPs and INFJs listed as compatible partners! I'm an INJF married to an INFP, and it's the deepest connection I've ever had with anyone. The biggest challenge in our relationship is the J/P difference. Because of my judging function I need concrete action/solutions and tend to be critical. He's hypersensitive to criticism (or anything he perceives as criticism), which can be challenging. His refusal to worry about things is simultaneously attractive and maddening, since I'm a planner and a worrier. But he's the most sensitive, gentle, kind man I've ever known, and I so appreciate that. We both have a strong intellectual curiosity and are deeply emotional, which strengthens our connection.
DeleteIt is so true. I'm an INFP and I met my INFJ when I was 25. It clicked instantly and we knew we were for each other. The only problem was we were long distance, and even then we kept a very strong relationship for 2 1/2 years. To this day (i'm 31) I've never found anyone I love as much as I did her. I never thought anything would tear us apart, but because we lived in different countries and there was a lot involved in her coming to the states and getting married, I started to worry about everything. I didn't make a lot of money, and I ended up telling her I couldn't do it. ( What a huge mistake!) I realized that I let doubts get the better of me, and within a week I was begging to be back with her. She accepted me back but as the months went by I saw her disconnect and ultimately leave me to pursue her career. Nothing is worse than finding your soul mate and then losing them. I really don't believe I will ever find it again, and when infj's are done...they are done. I just don't understand how she could leave so easily after what we had. The lesson is: don't screw it up when you get it!!!!
DeleteThanks for the article, it helped me a lot to understand some things about my partner and me.
ReplyDeleteMy partner is an INFJ (i believe) and i am an ENTP (unfortunately not a very mature one). I only now realized how sensitive he is and i honestly have troubles dealing with it sometimes.
I am very direct, often impatient and i also like to discuss.
Especially the stay positive/be stable point caught my attention. He is really important to me and i love him a lot. I am worried because i dont think i always can be the stable one. Every little issue will be blown out of proportion if i try to talk about it with him (probably because i am not careful enough even when i think i am). We have a great connection however and i dont want to lose him.
Thank you very much for commenting. Please do not take anything in this article as hard and fast rules. Every INFJ is different. However, if you do believe that these descriptions fit him well, I strongly recommend sitting down with him and having him read this article, then discuss his side of things. Any two types can be compatible with open communication and a desire for understanding. You clearly have the desire, so with some communication, your relationship can certainly flourish. Best of luck to you!
DeleteDon't be discouraged! When we say INFJ's love unconditionally, we mean it! i am an INFJ, and i have married a ESTJ! We have a few key principles in sync(religion, kids, travel) but in our day to day lives we have almost NOTHING in common(half the time we don't even eat the same thing for supper) and it's wonderful, he's my best friend. My husband NEEDS continuous social interaction, which gives me the time and space i need to be alone! Even before we knew our personality types we knew we were polar opposites, family and friends have often asked us how we work so well being so different? My hubby's answer is always "We are like puzzle pieces, we have to be opposite to fit together." Of course its a lot of work, i am REALLY emotional, something he has no grasp on, and i often think he is cold towards people, but he stabilizes me, and i make him more personable. He is one of the very few people i have ever been able to open up to, there has been a lot of untimely tragedy in my life which has made it really tricky for people to get to know me, and my hubby is patient, he holds no judgement. He is forever confused by my emotional triggers; happy, sad, the whole lot(poor guy!), but lets me carry on until i've exhausted them from my system. Sometimes its crying, sometimes it seems like hysteria, sometimes i just zone out for ages..... It took him a long time to realize/understand that this isn't me being emotionally unstable, i just need to offload the unwanted emotions i absorb from other people. Maybe you and your partner have the same road block?
DeleteDon't give up, as long as you have a genuine desire to want to make it work with your INFJ counter part, he will be right along side you.
You got lucky then. I have religion and several other things in common with my estj wife but I'm completely burnt out. I'm constantly criticized and corrected. And when I open up to say anything back she gets so upset she gives me the cold shoulder. This INFJ made a mistake. Now I have to live with it the rest of my life. she is so unwilling to try new methods of communicating. I have no energy to try anymore. I use to be full of energy
DeleteWhy must you live with it the rest of your life? Going your separate ways peacefully, could be a greater act of love to one another than staying together unhappily?
DeleteI agree, I am infj and husband is estj. That is great the person above can make it work, but I am constantly changing and evolving, and I feel I am constatnly corrected and criticized too! I feel like I can not be myself or express anything without judgment and dissaproval. He is so hard headed and unaccepting. I don't know what to do. I really am struggling.
DeleteHi! I'm an INFJ female married to an ESTJ. We are definitely polar opposites with how we operate daily, our morals and values are what we have in common. Somehow we are truly best friends, though we have many struggles with verbal and nonverbal communication. With all that said, it is interesting to me that you two say your partner is so correcting. Are you positive they are not ENTJs? I am just curious because I find that trait to be very typical in ENTJs and not usually in ESTJs. I think it makes sense because the Te(Extraverted Thinking function) paired with Ni(Introverted Intuition) combines the need to always verbally express their opinions with an internal compass providing insight into what is correct. Whereas ESTJs don't use Ni much so they have less vision on right or wrong but more about true of false pertaining to detailed sensory memories...
DeleteI am a female INFJ, young and loveless but indeed with hope :) I just wanted to point out that people may be matched well based their personality types, but whether or not true love comes out of it is all based on chemistry. That may sound lame, but attraction is important. If someone is your ideal match, but you are not attracted to them, there is no point in pursuing the relationship. And vice versa, if someone is not your ideal match, but there is attraction and a healthy balance (with other things in mind of course. We can't all be Romeo and Juliet and declare our undying love the night we meet the one guy [or girl for you guys out there] we think we will die for), then (to finally conclude my long sentence), the relationship is worth pursuing.
DeleteI am not one to openly declare my feelings for the world to see, but I have always felt that regret is a useless emotion. It is something based on a memory we cannot change that only makes us feel worse about ourselves in the now, and, if we dwell on it, in the future. We all make mistakes, but to regret is to feel awful tirelessly. My point is that if you have the chance to avoid regret in the future, then take that chance. You never want to live the rest of your life wondering "what if." What if I told him (or her) how I felt. What if I stood up for myself? What if I didn't give up?
I know I am a stranger looking in, but I do believe a happy life is one worth living, and an unhappy one is one worth fixing.
This is definitely an interestinbg article, and I enjoyed learning more about my personality type, but this post goes out to the comments above, whether or not they see it...
I'm glad to have found this blog. I'm at the very beginning of a relationship with an incredible INFJ...and I'm an ENTJ. At an earlier, more foolish time in my life, our friendship would have been impossible. Based on the points in this blog, I feel that our friendship and maybe more has a real chance. :)
ReplyDeleteHi, I'm an infj married to an enfj for 25 years. I love him to bits and vice versa. I am not emotionally fragile as so many blogs suggest. Yes, I'm sensitive but I have a sure sense of myself and can think logically. My husband loves that I have an independent mind and will stand up to him when I think its important. He says he's never met another person who can stand up to him so well. I had an extremely secure and loving upbringing which probably enables me to stand unafraid in the midst of the storm of his expressed opinions. I think it's funny that other people find him so intimidating. Yes, he's incredibly intelligent and successful, articulate and confident but I see the sweet little boy. He has such a noble heart and good character. I love his strength and his integrity and honesty. He is hard to reach emotionally but that's ok because that's what I'm good at. Every match takes maturity, sacrifice and personal insight.
DeleteThis help me to understand the INFJ I know, but I need to know more about it and I can't post it here, as I don't want to spoil every detail of me and this INFJ to public. I value privacy :). If you can help me understand, I'll appreciate it, and hopefully I can share the details with you in email. Thank you,
ReplyDeleteI would definitely be willing to help out in any way that I can. Please feel free to email me (jennifer.soldner@yahoo.com) with any questions you have. Thanks for commenting!
DeleteGoodness I find it funny. My boyfriend of two yets is an INFJ, and I'm an ESFP/ESTP type.. Somewhere between the two. This text has really helped us to understand each other. We do, indeed, exhaust each other and drive each other crazy, but he is an amazing person and luckily he thinks I am as well... I'm sad were not perfect for each other but I'm glad I have an INFJ in my life that is so close to my heart that holds me so close to his. He always has a new set of problems I can help him solve, and he's always there for me when I get depressed. I wish I were better for him, but I guess that's what keeps us together. We try. It's hard, and it's hard cause of me an my commitment issues. I want to settle down one day, though, and I have the most amazing, wonderful, caring man already by my side... I don't want to waste him.
ReplyDeletelove has no boundaries :D You ARE perfect for each other.
DeleteI am a Male INFJ, and I'm finding it very hard to find ANYONE I can have a emotional connection with. Or going out and meeting anyone, I'm not religious at all so there seems to be no social life, and no one meets my "standards" Any tips or idea's from other INFJ's out there? Email me . . please. atticusfynnch@gmail.com I'm 21 by the way.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel! My friends always accuse me of being too fussy but I find it impossible to have an intimate relationship with someone who doesn't understand my world view. It's not that they don't meet my "standards", it's just that we don't connect. At the moment I'm in a dysfunctional relationship with a very nice, good looking, successful ESTP and wondering a) why the hell I can't just fall in love with him and b) how I can break up with him without hurting his feelings.
DeleteThe only way I've been able to develop any kind of relationship with anyone is through work or school. It takes me months to get familiar and comfortable enough with someone that a relationship takes root.
DeleteTry to find something that will allow you to be around the same people for an extended period of time. Take a class, join a group of some sort, etc.
And trust your intuition. You'll know when you've met a compatible match.
Online dating might be another option.
Atticus,
DeleteI'm an INFJ male. My own experience tells me the only one blocking any relationship from growing is myself. The reason why I have so few true friends is because I see spending time with people I don't understand is a waste of time.
So if you're really wanting friendships and connections, You have to be willing to spend time to get to know them. Be curious about them. And yes, maybe most of them are not the kind you click with, but keep looking and you'll find one or two of them that understand you. One thing that I've been doing is going to Salsa dance classes. I've met many girls there...
Find groups of people you don't feel like you're wasting your time with. Not sure what you're into, but as an INFJ i absolutely love everything science and thinking related - so i started to look for, lol nerdy people. Not sure what their profiles are, but we get a long great. Still haven't found a girl that i can fall in love with - typically my intution finds the issues right off and then i'm caught in the typical situation of "date her for fun" or "break up in a nice way". Lately i've been doing much of the latter - i found that getting involved with the wrong person is wrose than being single :P
DeleteIn the end it's a numbers game. Just cause we're introverts doesn't mean we avoid people - we just don't like fake empty discussions to pass the time. We're looking for smart engaging conversations that cause us to think and even question how we analyze the world. Now if i can just find a cute girl version of that. I think I might go back to University :)
Hey Atticus, I'm an INFJ woman and admittedly I'm a good bit older than you, but I would echo what others have said as far as trying to find people with similar interests to yours, and be willing to stick it out long enough for a relationship to actually blossom. I say this as someone who is totally guilty of being like "oh, we don't have anything in common. next!"
DeleteRelationships develop over time rather tahn instantaneously (normally).
I understand what you mean about finding it hard to connect with people, though. I'm the same way. As someone who is also not religious living in the middle of the Southern Bible belt, I can empathize with what you're saying. In my experience you just have to put yourself out there more and go alittle out of your comfort zone to meet those right people.
Hopefully this will at least give you alittle food for thought. One last thing to keep in mind, though, is that the right person will be worth the wait. I'm still waiting to find my right guy too, so you're definitely not alone :)
I'm a 22 year old girl and know exactly what you mean. I was in a 5 year relationship with an ENTJ and we were polar opposites. I kept fighting for it to work out even through all the times he lied to me and cheated on me. I don't know why I clung on for so long. He would get mad at me for wanting to stay in on a Friday night and watch a movie instead of going to a party. He would get mad at me for not being overly social, but it just wasn't who I was and he couldn't understand that. Basically, he didn't understand me as an INFJ, and getting out of that relationship was the best thing I have EVER done. He also was depressed and being an INFJ, I cling on to other peoples emotions and it made me depressed for a while. It was not a healthy relationship.
DeleteNow that I've been single for 2 years, my friends and family keep asking why I can't find anybody and say that I'm too picky. I'm just looking to find somebody that gets me. I'm sure many INFJs can relate.
I'm awkward, sometimes a little too blunt, passionate, and just waiting to find the person I just 'click' with and embraces my quirkiness of being an INFJ. Reading these comments makes me happy that I'm not the only person who feels this way! My family and friends embrace my unique self, and I'm just trying to find a guy who can do that same. :)
I'm an INFJ and it would be nice if I saw a guide to simply being a friend with one.... I often feel like I am the only one who doesn't understand social cues and reasons and sometimes I detach from my world.I want my friends to understand
ReplyDeleteThat is a wonderful thought! I will certainly look into writing an article in the future as I can see how it would be helpful to many INFJs and their friends. Thank you very much for commenting!
DeleteI second this request, especially the part about not understanding social cues!
DeleteThat would be awesome. I'm an INFJ and I find it hard to do this too :(
DeleteMe too, I'm an INFJ, and people only see me as a nerd, and I somehow struggle to make friends.
DeleteI'm an INFJ female, have dated an ISTJ male for over 5 years now, and we have hit a HUGE wall. There have always been differences we have had to work through, but the big one that always comes back up is how we handle conflict. I am terrified to bring up even the littlest things and will stretch myself way too far trying to accommodate things I am just not OK with. When I do bring them up, his initial reaction is to convince me of "the facts" and can become rather insensitive to my thoughts and feelings when doing so; only later will he give them any consideration and realize that what I say might actually have value. This has gone on for far too long, and we have agreed to separate for the time being to work on ourselves and these issues.
ReplyDeleteAny advice from either of these types? How can I develop a thicker skin while still being myself (kind, supportive, etc.)? I don't want to go too far to the other side...but I can't do this anymore either.
Accept who you are. I've fought to become something else long enough to know that the problems that come with being INFJ remain and the struggle to be something I'm not has only added confusion and self-loathing to the list.
DeleteOnce you accept yourself, the other problems in life seem to take care of themselves.
I am married to an ISTJ. We have been together, very happily, for almost 12 years. I know the wall you are talking about though. We struggled with communication for quite a while. The thing that really got us through was understanding how the other person's mind works. Reading up on our personalities was huge. Learning our cognitive processes was even more important. Once I showed him how my mind worked, he stopped thinking of my thoughts in terms of touchy-feely emotions and started to see that they were a factual and logical response based in science.
DeleteRecognize that ISTJs and INFJs are considered "dynamic opposites" which basically means our cognitive functions are as polar opposite as they come. INFJs are Ni, Fe, Ti, Se while ISTJs are Si, Te, Fi, Ne. That basically means we view the world in completely different ways and think on extreme opposite ends of the spectrum. If communication is strong, together you can really help each other grow in a positive way. If it is lacking, you will cause one another quite a bit of pain.
While we are not considered the ideal mates scientifically speaking, I cannot see myself with any other personality type. It really all boils down to communication and a willingness to learn about one another. I wish you luck and thank you for reading!
I'm an 36 years old INFJ male. I used to be afraid of confronting people because I was afraid to hurt their feelings. After gaining some experience in dealing with people, I've learn that most of those people I confronted didn't break or die. I had been very careful at what I say and how I say it. The result has been quite different than what I feared.
DeleteThere are three books that taught me many things in life:
Boundary (when to say yes and how to say no written by Cloud and Townsend)
For Men only (a must read for your male partner)
For Women only ( great book for you to read so you can understand them better)
This was very interesting. I'm an INFJ, and currently getting a divorce from an ESFP. We were together 9 years, but probably should have ended it after the third. He and I had absolutely nothing in common and I have no idea how we lasted as long as we did. So here I am, a single mom who just turned 30 a few days ago. Seriously considering giving up on love.
ReplyDeleteConfession time: I've been in love with an INFJ for five years, but didn't realize it til a couple months ago. I'm an ENFP, but at the time I knew him I was an INTP. We met in junior high and had been friends for ten years before I began to feel a unique bond with him. Now I haven't seen or heard from him in three years, since his wedding. I was nothing but happy for him then, but maybe it didn't occur to me I wouldn't find anyone like him out in the world, and that the connection we had was extremely unusual. It's also possible I haven't fallen in love with him till now because when I knew him I was an INTP but have since become an ENFP, a type far more compatible with him.
ReplyDeleteI grew up INTP/J. Met this really cool unfussy INFJ who became a really good friend to me. Now I am an ENFP. I am a transsexual who has transitioned from male to female. He's been nothing but good to me. Took me forever to let myself feel comfortable enough around him to even remotely consider the possibility I'm in love with him spin hugs n' all.
DeleteI suggest you talk to this man. This situation with my INFJ friend is driving me through SERIOUS personal catharsis as I cannot have fathomed that how I feel exists. Then when I stand in front of him & he's doing that thing he does I just..... I need to be in his life SOMEHOW!
I'm an INTJ, and married 13 years to an INFJ. The strong initial connection is exactly right. We experience the world in much the same way. And understand each other, where others often can not. But we react totally differently to situations... one with logic, and one with feeling/empathy. Sometimes it can cause communication issues, and other times it is fascinating getting each others perspective.
ReplyDeleteI am a male INFJ (23) dating a female INTJ (26) and have made an instantaneous connection since last May. We tend to think in a familiar manner although the way we take in and externalize information is different. I love as an INFJ that I can use both lobes of my brain to think logically and creatively. It’s remarkable to have recently discovered the MBTI personality type model and find common patterns between our personalities. Since we are both motivated towards self-independence, and a higher standard of living, we get along naturally with ease. With two types who rely strongly on intuition, we have found patterns (base concepts rather than the physically apparent) in both of our lives which help us communicate in a language we both understand. I will note that both she and I come from very abusive families. However we have gathered from each other that we sought at an early age to overcome our circumstances, challenge ourselves to do/be better, and build a relationship based on underlying concepts of genuine trust, love, and empathy. I can ramble all day how much I adore her, and see the great potential she has within. We both enjoy discussing in depth a wide range of subjects and find each other’s POV interesting and intriguing. We are naturally happy and are not perfect, but we are internally built in a similar fashion where we feel at home with each other. I could go on forever with my emotional theoretic, and her logically practical explaining why it feels a “meant to be scenario.” It’s quite the dance that I have waited for my entire existence.
ReplyDeleteI’m an INFP female and I think my guy is an INFJ. For the past year or so we have been in what I would call a romantic friendship. He initiated it, but I feel like it has an on-again off-again dynamic already. Sometimes he is very enthusiastic about seeing me and talking to me, but other times he seems inexplicably withdrawn or not very interested in my company. We don’t see each more than twice a week at most, so when he goes into the “quiet stranger” mode I worry that his feelings about me are conflicted. We are both young and don’t date and it is most likely that he will be going away to college next year when he graduates. I don’t know if this is playing any factor in his behavior, but I know that long-distance relationships are very challenging to maintain. I would love to “discuss the state of our ‘relationship’” with him and get some of these things sorted out, but I know that even approaching the subject would make him clam up and flee and I don’t want that to happen. I would rather have him as just a friend from here on out rather than risk having him shut me out for good because I scared him with “relationship talk”. Thoughts? Advice?
ReplyDeleteI, am an INFJ myself. When it comes to having a relationship (of any kind) it is VERY (more than can ever possibly be stated) important to us. To state conversely, it is part of why we are introverts, we have "trust issues" (I believe this is because our heightened intuitive capabilities are nigh unparalleled). But we love it when people are open with us. If he considers you a friend, NOTHING can destroy that bond, except you going against such trust. Especially if it has been built over such a long period. I can't tell you if he'll agree to such or not. It may be a bit of nervousness which makes him clam up, or it may be he detects what you feel (both of which are quite likely). But the best suggestion, just as an INFJ, is just try, you won't hurt his feelings at all, he may feel honoured or relieved, or he may feel sorry and decline. Unfortunately, I don't know if your feelings will end up getting hurt, but he would definitely try to do so minimally, and help you back on your feet if such were to occur. Your friendship, no matter, WILL stand.
DeleteI'm an INFJ and have been in an awful on again off again romantic friendship for 3 years. I'm always happy to see the girl but I don't always act enthusiastic because my feelings about here are conflicted. As an INFJ I feel alone in the world and she is the only person on this earth I've ever felt this connected to, but she undervalues it. I can't trust her even thought it's what I want most in the world. I act like a quiet stranger because I'm scared to commit to her when I'm add afraid she'll reject me again. I wish she would initiate a relationship talk because I don't have the guts to be rejected yet again. I wish she would meet me more than halfway on this.
DeleteThanks so much to whoever wrote these replies! They both made me feel very encouraged, although I still have concerns, but maybe INFPs are kind of paranoid. :)
DeleteUpdate: My guy and I were in a production over the weekend and we got to see each other every day last week because of rehearsals and performances. We had some really special times together, at least I felt like we did. I felt a little bolder and tried to be a little more romantic. We held hands in a lighthearted way several times, it was a first, and I sort of initiated it, but he always got a big grin on his face when I did and it seemed sincere to me (if my INFP intuition is to be trusted). We also officially became Facebook friends, although I’ve been spying on his page for months and I am almost certain that I knew I joined Facebook in the summer. I have been hoping that he would send me a friend request for a while, but it hadn’t happened, so I messaged him a silly picture and he quickly (less than 10 minutes) replied and sent me a friend request. Yet, when I saw him the following day, his behavior was actually more withdrawn than usual. Oh well. I tried to chat with him online last night but he said he had to go, which probably was true, although my paranoid side makes me fear that I was annoying or overwhelming him since we had already spent several hours together during our afternoon show.
Tomorrow I will probably find out just how far away he is going to college. *Sigh* He’s applied to Ivy League schools and he really wants to go. He aspires to be an engineer. I want him to follow his dreams, but my selfish side realizes that if he goes that far away (we both currently live in the southern US) it will mean the slow death of our romantic friendship and that just seems unbearable to me… :( But there is no possible way I could leave my home state or go to an Ivy League school with him.
Has anyone been in long-term long-distance relationship with an INFJ guy? Do we have any chance? If so, what do I need to do to help make it work? I would very much appreciate any advice!
Right now I’m very happy and very sad at the same time, I guess that’s how love is though….
Thanks so much to the people who wrote these replies! They gave me encouragement. I trust that God will guide me in whatever happens in my relationship.
DeleteI'm an INFJ and the expectations part is so true! I would usually really like someone but the problem is that I always feel that even though I like them, they are missing that "part" I'm missing. A guy who I liked asked me to go out with him and I turned him down because I felt as if he was missing something that I desired from a man. Right now I'm scared of the idea of falling in love and trying not to (also doubt anyone could fall for someone like me) because of my parents divorce. However this does describe the relationship I would want.
ReplyDeleteGreat article. As infj male I can definitely relate. Something I've found is that it's extremely important to have someone in my life that I can have a deep connection with. It doesn't necessarily have to be spouse ( mine is isfj and doesn't always get me) as long as the connection is there.
ReplyDeleteI'm an ENFP and while I have met some guys who are similar to me in the extrovert department, but I honestly know that I would have a great relationship with an INFJ. Too bad I have never actually MET one. If I have, maybe we were not compatible for other reasons (age, sex, values, etc.) but I have yet to meet someone like this who shares the same values. Why do you guys have to be the rarest personality type??? I don't even have a real preference for looks, I just like people who like to better themselves. I'm young, I've got time, but geez...
ReplyDeleteAs a 'burnt out' infj in a small community, I feel destined to be alone. I keep finding all the 'broken' men, fixing them, showing them how happy life can be, only to have them leave in the end. Trust is almost impossible with me due to the amount of failures I have had. I would LOVE to me another INFJ just to have someone truly get me, can't imagine how nice that would be. It has given me hope that I'm not so alone, that there are others who think & feel as much as I do.
ReplyDeleteI attract 'broken' people and have tried to fix them up; it's way too draining and impossible. I now just hardly answer their texts and make up lame excuses when I see them. If I didn't have my family to keep me company, I don't know what I'd do because I deem so many people not worth my time. I feel your pain; I'm in a similar situation where I'm unwilling to trust people and I'm desperate to get out of my small community. Thanks to this test however, at least I now know why it has been so hard for me to connect with people.
DeleteRead "codependant no more" and learn to create healthy boundries. I am exactly the same way and I swear I was a crazy person magnet. Not no more. Helped me recognize how to stop taking on other peoples baggage. :) Signed - INFJ Male
DeleteThis post. This right here. So many broken people gravitate to me, see me as their best friend ever, and then they push too hard and I hit a point where I can't give any more (because I was just helping them; they weren't personal friends). It ends with me cutting off the friendship, making them worry, but just not having it in me to care any more.
DeleteUnfortunately I think that's also why I married my husband - another fixer-upper. Slowly learning how to set boundaries. It feels like I'm giving people the cold shoulder, though. Argh.
- INFJ lady
Thank you so much for this blog!!! I am an ISTJ trying desperately to understand by mysterious and wonderful IFNJ wife... although I am a dominant S, with some effort I can function with some N but not like my wife can... so there is some hope!
ReplyDeleteRegarding: Oftentimes are dreamers which may effect their ability to handle day to day technical needs
ReplyDeleteIt's "affect."
Thanks for pointing that out! It's been fixed. ;-)
DeleteThanks for the article, I'm an ISFJ and my husband is an ESTP. I can't tell you how hard it is to be so opposite. But I love his heart and he is committed to me, and it's beautiful in it's own crazy way. We make it work.
ReplyDeleteI am an INFJ and my boyfriend of two years is an ENTP. Our romance actually started ten years ago in elementary school, But it wasn't until now that we started dating. He is a typical "Guy", mechanic, likes his trucks and cars, likes to fix things, he is very handy with tools. I have noticed that he can do anything he puts his mind too. He is truly a great companion. We have our ups and downs. I feel as though it might be because his view on love and a healthy relationship is skewed from his parents. I crave allot of affection and attention. When I make him know that i need it, he tends to forget. I cry a heap when Its that time of the month, he gets slightly withdrawn and tends to think of "how to fix this and how to fix that" mode, luckily I understand this all. He can be very sensitive and doesn't like any kind of criticism, which i don't ever criticize. although he becomes defensive if I start talking about my needs and don't make it clear that it is not his fault, and that it is what "I need" I think the biggest thing is that he is secretly very sensitive and I wouldn't say a cruel word to a fly, so his ego is never damaged. strangely enough he likes to joke about things i do wrong, not taking into consideration that if i said these things to him he would be upset. Besides all this we get along very well and enjoy eachothers company at all times.
ReplyDeleteI had a wonderful 3 year relationship with an INFJ. I am an INFP. From the moment I met her I knew that she was the women I had always dreamed of. Once we got through the formalities we were like glue. Our connection was so deep I never thought anything could break us apart. We just naturally understood each other, and also spiritually. We were so dedicated and faithful to each other, and the physical chemistry was great because it was born out of a heart of love and benefit for the other. We were in bliss. Then all of a sudden everything went on a downward spiral. And to this day ( a year later) I still don't understand how it happened. I never thought something so great could end as we were so dedicated, but we had to do the long distance thing, and I had some health issues. One of our main fights was over her school and career. Security is very important to INFJs i believe and with me not having a good paying career, she wanted to have that in her life. Because our bond was so great , and me being a P would not let anything get in the way, she had to end it with her decisive J. A year later and I am still not over her, and really don't want to be because it was the greatest relationship I ever had. i fully expected her to come back to me realizing the rarity of what we shared, but she hasn't. Not once. Which hurt me deeply because I feel she knew me so well and what hurts me and what doesn't. I never expected that from her. I always felt if we did break up I would receive the same love and compassion in the breakup i did in the relationship, but not so. I don't know if all INFJ's are like this, but when she was done , she was done and she hasn't looked back since. She also uncharacteristically said some horrible cutting things to me. I guess once your on the outside of an INFJ's private world they cut you off. We were going to be married. To be honest I don't think i'll ever get over her, nor will I find another like her.
ReplyDeleteAs a hardcore ENFP female, I'd love to find an INFJ man! I love everything I have read about them. But I hear that INFJ males are among the more rare personalities out there... does anyone know if this statistic is true? Less than 1% of the population is what I've read.
ReplyDeleteYou, me, backseat. Five minutes.
Delete;p
As an INFJ at 34 I feel great about myself both physically and in talents, personality. I also don't really have baggage but have all but given up in finding the soulmate. The one girl I was interested in told me the timing was bad, ironically. Now I write for an online dating website, double ironically. Good to know other people are finding it though!!!
ReplyDeleteI hardly doubt if you are a true INFJ that you will ever give up the idea of your soulmate - that is kind of our thing! :) To have the deepest and most honest of all connections that bring meaning to our lives......maybe the test was dodgy! Have a great day!
DeleteJennifer,
ReplyDeleteI saw your pinterest account and one of the pins said "It's either I care deeply or not at all; there is no median."
I've tried to fight that trait in me and care more about all things because I place high value on being caring. I'm an INFJ female but I'm curious about how exactly that fits into the INFJ personality...if you care to elaborate or have any ideas about it.
Also, I've recently experienced the deaths of two of my grandparents and I'm wondering if you have any insight into how INFJs handle sadness and grief. I'm struggling to focus on anything really except the importance of my family to me.
Hiya! As another INFJ female, I have a bit of input on the "care deeply or not at all" thing.
DeleteI have this issue as well, but honestly, I think most of the problem is in the INFJ expectation to always be caring with everyone and everything. As a type, we tend to expect that of ourselves - after being married to an ISTP for three years, I know that's not the case with everybody!
Though, at the same time, I tend to notice I usually work in extremes - either no true emotional response to something (though I'll express one because, hello, Fe) or ALL THE FEELINGS AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM AGH HELP. Hubby's commented on it too. So I'm thinking it's more the bipolar nature of the INFJ as their Fe wars with their Ti and their little tiny Se popping up everywhere, but I'm honestly not sure.
As for losing your grandparents - the only thing I can really say is to let yourself grieve in a way that seems best for you. I remember reading somewhere that INFJs tend to process major traumatic emotions more quickly than other types... but at the same time (for me at least), I end up regulating myself to small, intense "doses" of the feeling over the course of a few weeks, months, maybe even years.
Sorry for the novel - I'm curious to hear Jennifer's response. XD
"To care deeply or not at all" For me, that's true only because I find myself managing my emotional resources. If I care about everyone, then I can't care deeply for anyone. Most people live in the emotional shallows (as I call them) and will be just fine if you interact with them there. For those who get lost in the emotional depths, where INFJs live, we're like lifeguards who come to help them stay above the water and not drown. If I treat every interaction like it's in the emotional depths, then I don't have any energy left for the times when I really need it.
DeleteIt's also important to remember that INFJs have a different standard for caring. Our typical standard is much deeper than the average standard. By the average standard, even our "not caring" is pretty caring. If we're not heart-torn over it, it's probably because that person isn't in dire need right now. That's not necessarily a bad thing.
I was/am seeing an intj male. I'm infj , I don't think that he can handle my emotions, he can be cold and say things to make me feel even worse. I feel as though we function better as friends. He says that he doesn't know who I am and accused me of lying about a few things that I did not. I asked him" if you don't trust or like me why do you keep calling or trying to take me out?" I sum it up to him being lonely on some level and maybe there is something about him that be likes and he is unwilling to reveal . He also told me he doesn't want a relationship right now but then he tries to be intimate with me....THAT'S Not Gonna Happen! Too confusing...too cold ... takes too much energy. But some how still interesting..... Its a big mess
ReplyDeleteHi I am an ENTP and have been married 3 times. The last wife was cute looking and petite and I imbued her with the qualities of an INFJ, however since separation, (mostly) she has showed herself to be an ESTP and also aggressive, disloyal, unsophisticated, materialistic, opportunistic and pragmatic. She had a strong "fun" side (especially re sex), but she was basically an alien to me philosophically. I have rudely and notionally applied the term "pond-skater" to ESTP's and ESFP's. I have finally found an INFJ. The connection is pretty much seamless so that it does not provide the imbalance that my unhealthy expectations crave. (I hold an idiot characterisation that a relationship should not involve so much "relatedness" and connection). Its quite scary. Wish me luck with this darling moppy haired girl.
ReplyDeleteAs an INJF I'm currently living with two other Introverts and one Extrovert, who I think blows our minds with the amount of socialising she can do. I don't know how she does it. I would be an emotional wreck by the end of it all. Sometimes she can come across as shallow and it occasionally feels like her relationship don't really have any strong foundation or bond. Which for me, is a must have!
ReplyDeleteI'm also currently in a long distant relationship with an INTJ and thus far it's been a wonderful relationship. We have a very strong connection on all levels, emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. Despite his quite logical and forward thinking mindset, he can be very intense with me, to the point where I've told him to calm down a little. Have to say I can also be a bit of my own worse enemy, I get so wound up in asking him not to do certain things, I end up not talking at all! Then he gets worried that he's done something badly wrong. But definitely working on that, honesty is the best policy!
I'm an entp and he's an infj. he's amazing!!! i thought i'd never find someone like him since it's such a rare type. He's so sensitive and compassionate and as an entp it's difficult for me to get emotional or express them but i feel what he feels when he expresses them with me. I really love you guys!!! being an entp is awesome and we need a lot of love so you should all just marry entps and make us all very very happy! we're sweet and charming and we'll never let you be bored or lonely, promise!
ReplyDeleteHi, I'm female and several months ago I discovered that I was an HSP (highly sensitive person) and this was extremely eye opening for me, it answered a lot of questions I've always had and even gave me more meaning. More recently we were asked to take the 16 personality test at work and I discovered that I was an INFJ and again I've been blown away, it seems so many pieces are falling together in my mind.
ReplyDeleteI met an ENTP male when I was still pretty young, early 20's or so and he was even a couple years younger. I believe we were 24 & 22 respectively. Our relationship was very hot and heavy, very fast and I fell deeply in love with him very quickly. Things were complicated when we met, other people involved and we also liked to party quite a bit which lead to a lot of fighting very early in our relationship. Even though our relationship was still new, I remember thinking that I already loved him way too much to walk away. The thought of losing him was simply unbearable for reasons that nobody, including me could understand, I just couldn't turn my back on him for any length of time. There were times that I changed my phone number, went to church and prayed for relief, saw a therapist, everything I could think of and nothing worked.. and this wasn't because he always fought for me fiercely (though I probably gave that impression to those around me) by any means, to be honest after several months with no contact if he hadn't tried to reach out to me I would start longing for him so badly that eventually my friends and I would "accidentally" end up at the same bar as him. (This is the first time I've ever said that anywhere but in my own mind lol).
Most of our issues stemmed from him cheating and the extremely jealous person I became. I was not a jealous person before him and I'm not jealous now but I couldn't (still can't) fathom the thought of him loving someone more then he loves me.
I wasn't perfect by any means, he would hurt me and I would hurt him back but then there would be a period of.. ecstasy almost, were I felt totally inline with him and the best word I could use to describe it is that I felt he was my soul mate.
Our fights got worse and our breaks got longer and during one of those breaks, about 3 years into our on and off relationship, I met an ever so gentle INFP. I knew right away that he was a 'kind soul' and could never cause me the amount of pain the ENTP had caused me. While I knew for sure that I did not love the INFP the way that I loved the ENTP, I felt that he was the right choice for my future. I couldn't say anything for sure about a future with the ENTP, I was always scared he was going to leave me and never felt totally confident in his love for me at that time.
PART 2
ReplyDeleteThe relationship between the INFP and me was very easy and came very naturally, were both peaceful and caring people that have quite a few of the same interests.
A couple of years after the relationship with the INFP began the ENTP got back in touch with me and we stayed in contact, by that point it really was totally on his end, he would call and I would answer. We didn't talk about our relationship or even see each other but I knew how he was doing and we became friends because that is all I would give him. During this period, I started to realize how much ENTP really did love me. It's not that he started telling me this more or begging me to be with him, it was just that we had both grown and matured and I could tell that he genuinely needed me in his life and I was ok with that because I needed him too even if it were only to a small extent. I will also be honest here and say that nobody, not my friends, family or INFP knew that we stayed in contact, I didn't want to explain myself to anyone and knew that we were just friends. I felt that I could avoid hurting ENTP by refusing to talk to him and avoid hurting INFP by keeping it to myself.
7 Years and a child into the relationship with INFP, I asked for a break to clear my head. My relationship with INFP is in no way perfect, we have our issues and things that I tried to ignore for years started making me seriously question that we were right for each other. We also became more like best friends, I started having a very hard time sleeping with INFP, I bought books and tried to fix the problem and at first thought it was sex in general because I had a child but came to the realization that it was just sex with him. I feel very guilty even typing that.
Part THREE
ReplyDeleteDuring this break, I very (very) stupidly started spending some time ENTP, I knew that more than likely I wouldn't be able to leave INFP permanently because I wouldn't be able to hurt him (never been good at breaking up with people) and we had a child together. In my head, I felt that ENTP had done so much to me in the past that he had no right to expect anything from me and I was even stupid enough to think it would just be sex.
After several months of really good sex and just hanging out, ENTP started giving me the impression that he thought things were going further than i could offer so I ran and completely closed him out. Thinking about it now it breaks my heart that I was so cold but I just did't see it that way for some reason at that time. Don't get me wrong, I definitely felt miserable about it but I had always been the emotional one and he had hurt me so much in the past so I did't even consider that I was breaking his heart. He tried for months to get in contact with me and I refused to do anything but give short responses here and there. My thought at the time was that I would back off and we could resume our friendship after more time had passed.
A year and a half or so later (a month ago) after a lot of change and self examination in my life, I reached out to him and apologized, fully thinking that it would be the same old ENTP. Maybe a little resistance but we had been through so much, it had never occurred to me that in his eyes, i had finally ended things for good. He blew me off for a while and eventually told me how badly I hurt him, to him it was finally over and he was trying to move one and that included friendship and all. This realization has been devastating and even shocking for me, I didn't even know that I still had such an attachment to him, to us even if it was just friendship.
Here I am 9 years after our break-up and 12 years after meeting him completely heartbroken and even worse, this time I was the 'bad guy' and that is making it even harder to deal with. I never understood why we had this deep connection, I told myself that he was narcissistic and I had a 'kind soul' so we were destined for failure. He isn't narcissistic tho, he wouldn't have loved me so much for so many years or been so heart broken when I left. He was a young guy that felt the same thing I felt and I think that scared him because that wasn't ready for such a serious relationship. He is an ENTP and we fit in some weird way that we never understood. I researched the other day and am 99% sure that he is an ENTP after figuring this out I started looking into our compatibility and there it was, not only are we compatible, he is likely my most compatible. It just explains so much but it also breaks my heart, the thought that I have lost my soul mate makes me feel completely empty.
The only choices for me is to have ENTP completely out of my life and the thought of not knowing, my long time friend and soul mate anymore or risk everything and change my entire life to be with him.. if he will still have me.. Do I do what my brain says and whats best for INFP and our child but never feel this deep love again or do I do what I have to, to make him a permanent part of my life? am so lost right now.
Your kid is never going to be a good excuse to stay with your INFP partner. Just like you can't choose who your kid is going to date or even fall in love with, your kid has no business choosing who's a part of your love life. You protect your kid by being there for THEM in every way you can, but you don't have to be with your INFP partner for that to happen. As a child who was raised with my parents having joint custody, I was super happy having two bedrooms, two sets of toys, etc... My parents worked hard to present a united front when it came to discipline (if one parent grounded me for a month, the other parent imposed the same rules), and I knew without a doubt they loved me and my sister. I also knew that there was no way they could be together and be happy - not right away of course, because kids have no intuitive knowledge about this sort of thing - and while it caused some confusion when other people asked me why my parents separated, I can't say their separation affected my happiness.
DeleteThe truth is if you stay with INFP and are somewhat miserable because of it, you're hurting him. If you leave, you're hurting him too, but at least giving him the chance to find someone who is COMPLETELY devoted to him. If I were you, I'd break it off with INFP just because he's clearly not enough for you, regardless whether or not the ENTP was there waiting for you in the wings. Separating from the INFP would be doing you both a favour.
People say it's never good counsel to leave one man for another one. I agree. However, if you leave INFP for ENTP but ENTP doesn't want you, you are to be alone. DO NOT go back to INFP - it would torture the hell out of INFP and would be simply an act of selfishness. If you can accept that chances are you'll end up alone, and if you'd prefer being alone than to stay with INFP never knowing what could have happened if you were free to pursue ENTP, then go after ENTP.
I don't believe the soul-mate crap even though I am INFJ, but if you love something you'd be stupid to let it slip away because of a social convention. Your kid's not an excuse. You've cheated on INFP so clearly he's got no hold on you either. This will be hard because you've screwed around too much instead of just being honest with yourself, but if you're willing to take the risk and deal with the consequences GO AFTER ENTP!
I completely agree with the response above.
DeleteYou must wisely choose which direction you want your life to go. This is a very risky business. First decide if the ENTP really loves you (wants to be with you ONLY) and not just the IDEA of you and whether or not you've hurt him too badly to even consider a long-term relationship with you. Even if he does choose you-be prepared to experience any left over resentment from the past.
You only get so many chance before you exclude anyone who ever cared for you...So don't mess it up again.
Ask yourself if you simply want an excuse to have an affair for the excitement of it---or if you truly feel a pull to be with someone else. There's a huge difference.
Many times, people think they are missing out on something better when all they will ever need is right in front of them (so the saying goes). I feel like I can greatly empathize with this because I'm always looking for adventure-or something else--and I'm not sure if that something is out there-or just the idea of it....listen to your gut instinct, not your head or your heart. Whatever feels RIGHT usually is and it is up to you to make it right.
Just remember that everyone is human and makes mistakes. You've made mistakes-but all you can do is move on with your life and improve it from here on out.
I hope that my reply helped in some way. Most of all, I hope you find what makes you happy. Your post opened my eyes also.
Best of luck to you.
Talking from my own experience as an ENTP: immature ENTP's can be fickle and weary of commitment. They mellow out and stabilize as they grow older. We take our serious relationships and friendships very seriously, once we've decided we want to have and keep someone in our lifes forever and build a future together... when we do commit we want it to be for life.
DeleteThere are several INFJ's in my life and I have a special bond with every one of them, even if with most it isn't (and never was) romantic. There have been two romantic INFJ's in my life too, but I (probably) was moving too fast with them, and they both eventually clamshelled, ran and disconnected, probably scared of their own emotions and the intensity of the connection, just like you did. Both also have a background of not being stable (having some personal issues, trust issues etc).
I truely loved them and had to take full emotional distance (no contact) to deal with the disconnect and process it. I hold no grudges, still care for them even, though we aren't talking, but I also wouldn't want either of them back now unless I knew they had grown and changed for real and stabilized. Probably not even as just a friend, as I full well know the intensity of emotion (and pain) they can have me feel. There is nothing that hurts me more then giving my heart fully and then have my significant other growing cold and distant and bailing on me, refusing to even talk. It's a level of pain that hits my very core, unlike anything I've ever experienced before that.
Speaking from my own perspective ENTP's are loyal to a fault and we'll fight long and hard and intensely for something we truely love and want and believe in. Just like he fought for you for months on end. Those two INFJ's were the two people I have loved the most in my life, hands down period. More then my parents and brother even. And I truely believed in a future with them. But when I'm done, when I've tried everyting... I'm done. It's not a matter of not loving you anymore... it's a matter of losing our belief that you were ever really serious with us... and thus losing all hope for a future with you. And that is fatal.
Speaking about myself again, there is a road back with ENTP when you've burned your bridges with us. It's possible. But that road isn't an easy one. Those bridges that just spontaneously popped up out of nowhere before would have to be rebuilt, and you'd be doing most of the building. I would want to know you will seriously stand with me and fight for me 100%, just like I fought for you. You would have to restore my belief in you and my hope for something real. A one on one meetup with a truthfull explanation of what happend and what you felt that lead you to your chosen actions for starters will go a long way to get us to understand you... but to get us to give it a go again and open our heart up again you would have to give yourself 100%. No holds barred. If you aren't willing to do that: don't bother. That would be the only condition on which I would be willing to risk my heart with you again. As said: it's possible, but this time you will have to take the initiative, and you're going to have to thoroughly prove yourself to make me believe in it again.
Wishing you the best of luck... :)
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI'm married to an ESTJ and we're polar opposites. He loves social interaction and I don't. I like to be around people to help them through their lives. I don't like to be around people to party. I feel like partying drains my energies. He knows that I don't like loud and party-like places so he eyes them from the outside. Many times I feel bad that he feels left out and I accompany him to a concert or a party. But I can only do this for a short period of time. As for him, he can't read as much as I do. Nor can he stay at home and tend to the home as much as I can. So we have learned to find a balance, by understanding each other. We've been together for 7 years now, married for 3 years and there were times we wanted to seperate from each other. These drifts happened because we didn't communicate well with each other. The reason was he wanted to give me the facts and I knew the facts but didn't think they were right. I've learned that if anything crosses my values, I will not think twice, I will cut it out of my life. My values are everything. But to an ESTJ, facts are everything. ESTJs also don't question authority figures, which made it very tough to work with him. If my boss falsely accused me of wrongdoing, it was my fault, eventhough the facts showed that it was my boss who was wrong. Eitherway, I've learned that when I work with him, I must present the facts, in a non-biased manner, cooly. Then he listens. I simply communicate my strong intuitions with solid facts and he simply registers the information. Since they're very practical people, he looks to see if my intuitions are correct by seeing if they reappear in our life. And 99% they do. My intuitions are solid. This is how he has come to listen to my advice without taking it personally. The other area in communication we struggled with was in giving constructive feedback. I correct him diplomatically frequently. I needed to correct him directly infrequently. When I made that change, we had a better time with each other. There were even more changes I had to make once I understood how he thought. At work I dressed in the most comfortable and tidy way possible. But when I was with him, I dressed fashionably because it was important to him that I looked socially attractive and acceptable. This was a tough change to make because I didn't know what was socially acceptable and attractive and had to scour magazines and ask him what looked good on me. Once he saw the effort I was making to accomdate this need, he felt loved. Once or twice a week we go to a very social place because of his need for lots of social interaction and I slip out into the car when it becomes too much. Initially he didn't like when I slipped out because he felt lonely but then when I put it in a very pragmatic manner, he let me. Finally, the other change I had to make was in being physical. Im not a very physical person but I had to learn to be more touchy-feely. But at the same time, I explained to him the cons of being physical all the time and, again once I put it in practical implications, he didn't push me quite so much to be more physical.
Honestly, reading up and understanding the ESTJ and INFJ personality types really has made my life more happier with him. I love him a lot and I know he feels the same way about me. Of course, I wish there was a deeper bond between us or perhaps less work to keep things running smoothly, but no marriage is perfect. The core needs of a person needs to be taken cared of in marriage and as long as that's done, it's pretty blissful.
I am an ESTP female who is madly inlove with an INFJ male. I love him to bits but its a lot of hard work. We are different and I love our differnces because he makes up for what I lack. However at times it gets too much e.g he'll be silent and have a concerned face and when I ask whats wrong, he would say nothing but deep down I know that something is bothering him. I think I battle with drawing him out which from the replies I have realised that its something i have to be patient with.
ReplyDeleteI am an INFJ female who has been disheartened in love and relationships yet I keep hoping and believing and dreaming. I was in a relationship with an ENTP for 7 years until we broke up. It's taken me forever, to hell and almost back because he was the one true love of my life. It's been 2 years of hell since then an only now I feel I am beginning the see some light at the end of this huge long tunnel.
ReplyDeleteI feel life has 'passed me by' because I have only been in one other relationship when I was much younger. That didn't materialise as I went away to university and over the years we lost contact.
I am so in love with my work (helping prof) that I don't feel it is possible to meet 'a soulmate'. Maybe bec I met him through work and it was like a spiritual, sacred relationship/union and I am only just coming to terms that it is over; really over. AS an INFJ, I find it almost impossible to go online to meet someone bec I just can't 'let go' perhaps of the ideals of meeting someone the usual way. I know it works for people and friends have suggested this but I can't seem to do it (it feels not genuine from an INFJ perspective even though it is). Im not sure if I am making sense.
Im glad I cam to this page because i wanted to find out if INFJs do find love; find our soulmate and do get married.
I'm a INFJ female. I have been so lucky to find the man that is in my life. He is an INTJ and we hit it off immediately. After a year of dating, we both found the personality test, took it, and did obsessive amounts of research. Of course it was hilarious to find that our two types were viewed as so compatible! All of the information was completely legitimate and we saw the pieces of our puzzle fitting together. It works so well because, as the counselor, I understand him, even though others see him as colder and lacking emotion. The emotion is within him, he just has a rough time expressing it. He once said that his emotions live vicariously through me! It matters not, however, because I see his love in the small ways he shows it: the way he relaxes around me, and the softness in which he handles me, and how he is always genuine and honest with me. He is my best friend, and I have all the comfort of the world with him. He keeps my dreamy nature grounded, and I keep him from shutting down. I'm so thankful to have this rare relationship!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I am an INFJ and have been with my ISTJ husband for 17 years, and I've spent the last 3 years struggling to make our marriage work. We used to have shared interests which brought us together, but my interests have changed and I want to move away from the city, watch less TV, etc. The details are unimportant, other than my plans and desires *alarm* him and he responds to them angrily (which makes sense because he feels threatened). I feel stifled by the idea of not being able to follow my dreams, as crazy as they may seem to him. I've done it before, prior to meeting him, and was very successful, so I feel his alarm is misplaced, though I understand where it comes from.
ReplyDeleteWe have been to therapy. We both see our differences and understand them, but we still end up in arguments several times a week. No marriage is perfect, I suppose, but I can't help but feel we are each holding the other back, that we would be happier with people better suited for us. I'm very interested to know how INFJs and ISTJs work it out when they want different lifestyles. I guess I'd also be interested to hear from INFJs or ISTJs who divorced from this combination of types and whether they're happier now.
Thanks, Jennifer, for this site.
I've been reading through all these comments in order to find advice that could help me, but I seem to be a pretty rare case. I am a INFJ and the guy I happen to be seeing is also a INFJ. Does anyone know if this is a good thing or a bad thing? Because in my mind (thinking about the future here) he and I will be able to understand each other completely, yet I have this feeling where we will keep things unsaid due to trust issues and that we'll both be so stubborn that conflicts will arise. Is there any hope out there for the two of us? Advice needed. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteI am a guy ENFP and my wife is an INFJ. We just got married 4 months ago. We are both big on MBTI and is pretty much spot on for both of our personalities. My INFJ wife really has integrity and honesty ingrained in her soul and can totally relate to this article talking about just being honest to her even in the smallest things because she will be able to pick it up. I can also relate to all the comments about INFJ's dating INFP's because although I am an ENFP, My Extroversion is close to borderline Introvert. Our marriage and 4 years dating before that have been very colorful and amazing. Whenever we fight I like to read up on INFJs just to understand her and the amount of compassion she has is just on another level. She has even told me when we do fight that I lack compassion. Maybe its a case of both that I do lack compassion and she has an extreme amount of it.
ReplyDeleteI also want to make a point about the "Stay Positive" paragraph. This just further explains why ENFP and INFJs work so well together. My ENFP personality is all about being positive and fully optimistic. When I can be positive for the both of us and not let my wife's pessimism affect me, wonderful things happen and we find a solution to the problem. But when I am negative and insecure, it does not go well obviously.
I would also recommend everyone to do the Strengths Finder Test. It compliments MBTI so well. Try it!
I too am an INFJ and am currently in a relationship with an INTJ. I've alwasy been with "broken" people who drain me, so my motto in relationship searching was "I want a partner, not a project." At first, we complimented each other well, but being in a relationship with an INTJ is the most dificult thing I have ever done. Because we are on such polar opposites of thinking and feeling, we struggle in communication even over the simpilist things, like when we say goodbye. I always tend to do what feels right for the moment, it's how I best communicat how I care, but he has specific expectations and if I don't meet those, he dwells about what went wrong and it has to be a broken down discussion, which leads to me shutting down. Is anyone else in an INTJ/INFJ relationship? Any advice?
ReplyDeleteInfj female here dated a intj male didn't work out, we're still friends though. Its just that I was giving more in the relationship. Long story short, my emotional needs weren't being met. Have a huge soft spot for enfps, infps, and enfjs though. My best friend who is like a brother to me is an infp. I will always love my infps, it's very rare, and I mean VERY rare we get into a spat. But I am stubborn
ReplyDeleteINFJ male who has recently met an INTJ female. I've never experienced such an indredibly deep and meaningful connetion with anyone. She's considerably younger but is such an old sould, wise and mature way beyond her years. We can spend hours talking without any interruption or awkward silence and time just flies. I wasn't aware of my and her personality until she suggested I take the test. Now it makes all sense! After the first few dates I was afraid I'd fall into the dreaded friend zone. Now I realize that INTJs are emotionally more detached in the beginning and take more time to warm up. I'm willing to give her all the time she needs, she's that special to me!
ReplyDeletepls tell me more about your infj poin of view about intj's female. Im intj and someone infj coming my way
DeleteI am also an INFJ. I am confused. I have had several experiences in my lifetime where I've had an intense instant connection with a stranger. I wouldn't hide from it but approach and get to know the person. We would become lifelong friends and extremely close - more than family. The strangers were usually much older than me and were most likely empaths also.
ReplyDeleteJust recently I started a new class at college (I'm 32) and felt an intense pull towards my college professor of this particular class (he's close to 50). I can't remember if I felt it before he began speaking about traveling and seeing the world (which is also a passion I have and have shared a lot of the same past experiences with cultures and backpacking around the world) ...or after. I think I felt something after he began speaking - and I remember feeling as though he was very familiar to me. He reminded me in some ways of a guy I was very close with and worked with in Iraq years ago and never could find again after our time there. I think it's not that they looked alike - but I could feel this teacher's passion...it's hard to explain.
I read about being an empath and INFJ long ago and pretty much forgot all about it. I am so happy I found this site as the content is incredibly helpful for me and for raising my homeschooled son (who is an empath too). Thank you.
As of now, I have only had a few classes with this teacher but I feel that I know after this next class (he asked to speak to me after class - as I missed one and he is supposedly going to talk to me about something) but I know it will be our time to finally talk. When I first approached him (the only time actually) he right away asked me if I had been in his other class before...which I had not. Thinking back..it makes me think he senses the familiarity between us.
So I am confused because I don't understand what I am feeling and it's driving me crazy! I have been single for ages and not seeking a romance. I feel an insanely deep pull towards him - like I'm going to need many hours to speak with him and just want to go to him, talk, feel like I could hug him - like I've known him or know him too much almost. As an empath - what am I doing? Am I feeling my own feelings or his? They are so strong and I like to say that I am not overly emotional...obviously this is not true..I guess only the ones super close to me would know that I am deeply emotional. I feel such a strong pull to this man that it's really affecting me. It's kind of a wonderful feeling in a way - but I need to be careful too. Maybe I will need to drop the class..who knows.
I'd like to know how you can tell your feelings from the other person's? I feel like I can't get rid of these overwhelming feelings of love without giving them to him..now that sounds crazy I'm sure...Anyway, I will end my comment here. I am overwhelmed and will bury myself in some crafts and sewing now. Thank you for reading this! Hope you understand!
Recently I found out that I am an INFJ. When I found out it was like the clouds have parted. I have been with my husband since I was 21. I am now 38. Throughout our relationship we have always had the kind of "I can't quit you" type of love. Not the healthiest. I don't know what his type is. He's VERY honest and loyal but he is also very black and white and pleasing others (co-workers & friends) trumps my happiness. He has constant hight expectations of me that I never seem to live up to and he is overly critical of everything I do. He's a perfectionist and I am not. The stress and constant let down is killing me inside and I don't know what to do. I love him for many reasons but I know that I don't make him happy anymore. If I didn't have children i would have ended my life long ago but i could never do that to them. But ending this marriage I know will be the death of me as well.
ReplyDeletei enjoy the mundane conversations because there can still be a subtext without the risk of sharing my inner thoughts. some people im close to do act different around me i can tell its weird can't really put my finger on it. maybe cause i live by myself and don't see people for a week at a time then when i do i talk to them for 3 or 4 hours then i have to hurry to see someone else and do the same thing and then disappear for a week again.relationship, self-esteem, financial problems they're all easy to solve.i think most people know how to fix them they just need some one to tell them they can,but how i can ever really be happy when I'm only comfortable temporarily. its like being too cold then turning on the heater then being to hot and turning on the ac and getting to cold and back and forth. actually i feel better now. if anyone reads this thanks.
ReplyDeleteI am INFJ female. My boyfriend is INFP. I have to say my relationship with him is the most satisfying, deep relationship I have ever had. (aside from my mom who is also INFP. They're by far my two best friends.) I've never loved so hard, so fast in my life. He and I are in a very, very long distance relationship, though, and it is difficult sometimes. Thankfully, we both have quite amazing imaginations and so the thought in itself of being together is enough to keep us from distress. For the most part, anyway. Even with the distance we grow closer everyday, and I cannot wait to see how much we thrive when distance is no longer a factor.
ReplyDeleteTruth trumps all. -> All way an incorrect.
ReplyDeleteTruth is too cold and harsh for INFJs. Try to live with INTP and you see what I mean.
I am an INFJ male and was dating an ISTP for about five months but we had known each other for a year. She dumped me because she can only experiences emotional connection for a couple of months before she can't handle it anymore/putters out (more reasons but they are hers to give not mine) . I'm absolutely terrified of starting another relationship after that experience, for several reasons.- I actually opened up to this wonderful woman, and she threw it away. The very carefully constructed thought process I had set up was completely obliterated. I was thrown into a horrible depression and felt/feel violated. I have developed minor anxiety and i have horrible trust issues now. So to sum up, i'm terrified of rejection, have trust issues, and don't want to open up because of those two things and some stuff too personal to share here. Now that you kinda understand that, i can explain this. I can't find anyone that i could trust enough to love or even develop a friendship with. I just want someone who understands me and i need to find out a way to find this person. If anyone has some advice please reply. Also figure you should know, I'm 18, and have a very stable personality now, just need help with this.
ReplyDeleteHello Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteI am a ENTJ type, and the girl I like is an INFJ. I had recently looked into the personality types and understood where I had gone wrong. I have the ability to look into details and scrutinize people. I sincerely regret for all the razor sharp words I had used on her , even during fun times on a light note. I had not known how deeply it had effected her. looking back I think I had missed an opportunity to grow and see world in a way she sees it, feels it.
I sincerely want to understand her, she had closed doors because of my behavior towards her in the past.I know its not easy being an ENTJ. but if there is a slightest chance for the door to open, I m willing to put any efforts. waiting for your reply
Hi Anon,
DeleteI am an INFJ with experience in ENTJ/INFJ relations. I'm not really sure about what words you've said to her. Depending on what you said, she could have tried to "door slam" you because she doesn't believe she can trust you anymore. However, there are many times where someone has said harsh things to me, yet I still trust them. I will often run away though because I'm not sure if they meant it and don't care about me. The thing that will make her come back, if anything, would be you expressing these emotions to her--telling her that you've made mistakes, and you want to learn to understand her. That we INFJs sometimes have a hard time expressing our emotions especially when we feel threatened or angry, and when the ENTJ in my life says things to me that upset me, I have a tendency to walk away. He is also very interested in understanding me in order to not offend me in the same way. After I've given him some insight and reading material on INFJs, he's definitely a lot more aware of how I take things to heart. One thing that I admire about him is that he always makes an effort now to ask how I feel. As an ENTJ, use your innate ability to be somewhat confrontational! Don't get angry with her when you do, but make it clear that you care about her and want to hear about her feelings/opinions. Ask her what you could do better. I do express reluctance at first, but when he perseveres (just persistence but not angry persistence--it shows that you care), we can converse about it. One of the things that I admire the most about ENTJs is their ability to be very honest and straightforward in addressing their thoughts/wants. I know this may be very late, but best of luck to you in resolving things with her!
-INFJ
I am an INFJ dating an INTP and it is sometimes a challenge for us both-me being more emotionally sensitive and him being more thinking oriented. I have made several attempts to get him to read about my type but he sort of refuses. His excuse is that he doesn't understand why he should have to read about me when he'd rather discover who I am organically. Well, I have read about his type on several different occasions of my own cognizance. It was my attempt at better understanding who he is. He has made some insensitive comments to me in the past and yet he does not undrstand why I keep bringing up those instances. WEll, if he would read about my type as suggested, he would better understand me....
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right! I am a INFJ male and currently talking to a INTP girl, I felt we have already moved on to another level of friendship (close to relationship); however, she doesnt react or respond to how INFJ respond. I felt something is pulling her back, it might be her grade or it might be her family. The truth is. i dont know what she really wants yet. Is this how INTP acts? when things dont go right they tent to slow down or not move on to what they want?
DeleteI apologize if this has already been covered somewhere and I missed it but: Do any of you INFJ males have advice specifically on dating INFJ males? I find myself extremely attracted to men of this type. I have 4 close friends and two best friends who are all INFJ females and have dated at least one (possibiliy two) INFJ male with good connection but initiation was very awkward and the relationship(s) ultimately self-destructed with time, ironically because we ended up wanting different things. The first dating relationship (if he was an INFJ) could easily be chalked up to imaturity on both sides, but I recently had a relationship of 1.5 years go up in smoke because of value differences that became evident as the relationship progressed. Would any of you, it's encouraging that there are so many of you on here to ask this of, have any advice about how to meet, flirt with, connect with, and even dating an INFJ male specifically? I figured they would be very similar to the INFJ females I know but I have felt a little lost. Also, do you feel an INFJ male would ever be open to a long distance relationship? I have had a crush on one who lives out of state for three or four years now but have hesitated to initiate much beyond occasional conversation because I assumed he wouldn't be open to anything long distance. Oh, and I am an ENFP through and through. :)
ReplyDelete